Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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