Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
