I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize