My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
