My hand turned me down
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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