Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
