i always forget guys have bellybuttons
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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