ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Randomize
