Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize