I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
