News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
