well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
