It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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