When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Randomize
