Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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