Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
