Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
