my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
