I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize