small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
