Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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