I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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