You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
