He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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