wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
