I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
of course. lets lasso hookers.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
