New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Randomize
