i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
