After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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