Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
