I think my vagina is haunted
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
