The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
