I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
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