Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
