No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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