If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
