I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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