planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
