Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'm sobbing to NWA
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
