Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Randomize