we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
we're making bets on your personal life
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
