this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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