I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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