Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
