I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
