I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
