people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
