yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
