Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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