just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
