i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Found the puke drawer
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
