just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
