I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
