i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
