Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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