John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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