I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
