i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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