i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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