Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
