He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
