whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
