nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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