I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
