dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
