Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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